I want to thank Andrew and James for allowing me to contribute to Paul Ryan magazine although I know it’s not because I’m such a talented writer or because my pitch was so good. I know I am here for one reason and one reason only.
I went to college with Paul Ryan. Or so he claims.
I graduated from Miami University in Oxford, Ohio, in 1991, joining a list of illustrious alumni that includes Tucker Carlson prototype P.J. O’Rourke, presumptive rapist Ben Roethlisberger, and — allegedly — Paul Ryan, who claims to have graduated in 1992, a year behind me.
But here’s the thing. I never met him.
No one I went to school with ever met him, nor did anyone they knew. By modern epistemological standards — of course — this means that he was probably born in Kenya.
But I wanted to be sure so I managed to secure an assignment from the Miamian — Miami’s alumni magazine — to find out what we really know about the campus years of “this green-eyed Janus of Janesville,” as he is invariably referred to in the campus life brochures.
The resulting revelations turned out to be too hot for the Miamian, however. They’ve really lost their investigative nerve in recent years, and now we owe it to Andrew and James for bringing this reporting to light. You can read the details yourself, of course, but here are a few never-before-reported tidbits I uncovered.
- Paul Ryan gave his first political speeches in defense of Miami’s “Redskins” mascot. (It has since been changed to the Redhawks.) Later — as a sort of compromise — he advocated renaming Miami’s sports teams the “Pre-Immigrants” to more accurately describe the dark-skinned, prehistoric peoples who snuck into this country via the Bering Strait.
- Paul Ryan founded the John Galt Fantasy Camp and Fitness Expo, an annual event that still takes place today — on the first weekend in March — during which the male virgins on campus band together and withhold their dynamism from the student body by lurking in the woods outside Oxford.
- Paul Ryan was known by his Delta Tau Delta brothers as “Paul Pot” for his incessant (but always good-natured) jabs at centrist intellectuals. And, like Pol Pol, I’m sure he was totally kidding.
And did you know that Paul Ryan will not be the first president to graduate from Miami? (I take his ascent to be inevitable, particularly after tonight.) Laughable one-termer Benjamin Harrison graduated from Miami in 1852.
Not many people know that Harrison’s nickname was Little Ben, though Paul Ryan is acutely aware. He’s got a little thing for his hero Harrison, who is widely considered to be our 16th worst president.
He even uses this nickname himself, Little Ben, though not even Andrew and James would let me tell you what he uses it for.
For that you’ll have to wait for the next issue.
You can acquire (limited) print and (presumably unlimited) digital copies of Paul Ryan magazine at wiscohunk.com.